WARNING! CONTAINS SUBJECTS OTHERS MAY FIND DISTRESSING.
(Pets)
Sometimes, the most difficult part is when to say goodbye, final goodbye’s are inevitable , whether you say your final goodbyes through disputes or through the end, there are some are harder than others.
For me, bereavement has been a so so subject, sometimes I’m badly affected, sometimes I’m not. For example, when my Nan died in 2013, that hit me, when a friend died also in 2013 due to Leukaemia, it didn’t because the dress code was “Railway Orange Jackets.” If I am honest, I wanted to laugh out loud and I was trying to keep a straight face – I nearly lost the battle. I also did one better as they were a rail enthusiast in that I turned up in full South West Trains uniform as I wasn’t long employed by the company, plus the OJ. One of the ones that attended remarked:
”He’s probably looking down on us and laughing…..” remarking “… everyone else turns up in orange jackets and you, you go the whole hog!”. I don’t do things by half measures. That is another unfortunate story that is best left for another blog as I knew “Louise/Joe” quite well. If you want to know more and to spoil it when I get round to explaining them, look at “Secret Intersex” which is a documentary produced by Channel 4 in 2004. Then Louise featured in it, I didn’t get to see it for a multitude of reasons and its one I wanted to watch for decades. I’ve been however told, it is really an interesting insight into her and others lives. I knew a lot about it, but when it came to then his death in 2013, we were allowed to touch the coffin. I was fine to this point and me being me was up to touching the coffin – that affected me, I touched it for about a second and I couldn’t do anymore as it was emotionally overwhelming. In a really upset voice, my last words to him was “goodbye and thank you for everything.” I was truly grateful for Louise/Joe’s support with my mental health.
So, why bring this up about death and bereavement? Why pets when I talked about people?
Today (31/01/2025), I had to say goodbye to a dog I have, who has now crossed the rainbow bridge and I wanted to explain a few things. I have had dogs go before but I was knee deep in university studies which bereavement was something I would of struggled with, particularly with the demands of university studies which at the time, I was already struggling with and found it difficult to concentrate at the best of times.
Now life is about work and less demands, I have had time to interact with dogs and we come to Buddy.
Buddy is a Cocker Spaniel and before he came to my dads place and ended up being a support dog for Burt (another dog).
His life started really badly, we had him about 2 1/2 to 3 years old and had loads of behavioural issues which took a while to sort. Originally went to my older sisters place from a rescue centre and had many many issues with biting and aggression, he was scheduled to go back to be euthanised but ended up staying at the house. It took a while but he eventually calmed down and became a much better dog. Burt however, had continuously tormented him being a bigger dog, however, Buddy’s fortunes changed when one of my ex’s noticed that Burt was a bully, as I previously listened to my dad, I then saw Buddy in a different light, he started becoming a more relax dog and happier.Getting regular exercise and some attention. To the point where he did zoomies around the garden when he had some attention given to him. Fortunes changed again when I spoke to a person who has become attached to Buddy and went on many places together, many walks and spent a lot of times with us.
In a short period of time, spent a lot of time with a friend and myself, spent time away and I even spent time myself with just Buddy and me, with others shocked by his age – he didn’t look it. He spent time with me, an ex and went pretty much everywhere. I was one of the very few adults that could pick him up without getting bitten, I felt privileged. I also have been bitten far less by Buddy. He did it once and never again. So, I gained his trust somehow and let me do things no other adult could. It also was a dog that a friend got into and got quite close, Finn took over but I tried to treat Finn and Buddy the same until Bailey came along and 3 became difficult to manage.
Unfortunately, shortly after Bailey’s arrival to the house, his health declined, he started loosing sight in one eye, then both eyes to Glaucoma, then struggled to get up the stairs, we think he had a stroke that knocked out some parts of his body or reduced his capacity. The decline was gradual but happening, he then couldn’t find his way around and we think by this point, he was either partially deaf or fully deaf, he started bumping into everything and then only relying on his sense of smell, which meant he ended up in places we didn’t want him to, because that’s the only way he knew he was safe.
Towards the end, he developed an abscess on his front right shoulder that got worse quickly, we knew the end was on its way and we were worried he would pass away naturally before his vets appointment. The vet appointment came and my older sister was told about it and she wanted to come along. It was VERY difficult for my older sister and myself. I knew I would be a blubbering lump, but I didn’t quite know how much it would affect me. The decision to euthanise him was because he was suffering and the vet did point out that the abscess could be dealt with, however looked at him and realise he wasn’t quite there.
Then it came to say the final goodbye, I was planning to hold him in a blanket and say my last goodbye has he goes to sleep in my arms, that didn’t happen, but I petted him to the very end and gave him lots of attention. He was seen to, the decision between 3 of us (4 including my dad) was agreed this is the best way forward for him and that we had to pay and sign a consent form. He was a fighter all his life, no truer when faced with life or death, in this case, literally. We went out, paid an extortionate sum, came back into the room and heard a lot of barking, growling and screaming. He came back into the treatment room with a muzzle, something I thought he had no energy to do, but somehow found it from somewhere.
Then it was time to say goodbye, big sis was a blubbering mess, me less so, but I knew this would be bad. By this point, he had 2 tubes fitted to his legs to administer the product. The question was “are we ready?”, “yes”. So a tube was fitted to him with the red liquid sent to his legs. He screamed and moved, it didn’t work as when it was put into his body and serotine added, he was still alive but now unable to do anything, but breathing heavily.
So they picked him up took him to another room, unable to move, they were now able to pick him up and move him, we were offered his final goodbye in the backroom, where the final dose was administered, 10 seconds later the final breath was drawn. That was it, we both petted him for another couple of minutes and left him. My final comments was “goodnight Buddy” and walked out the room, looking back with some regret but trying to convince myself this was the right way to go. Big sis and myself were in tears but he had 15 years and for a dog, that is good.
The other 3 dogs are now unaware of his death, Finn and Bailey know he’s gone in and hasn’t come out, I really wanted to let them have the last sniff, but it never happened. As I write this, I put Finn and Bailey to bed, when I did, they were sniffing around to find Buddy and unable to do so. This is why I think its important to see their deceased because they can sniff it, then they can move forward with their life, with some closure knowing that they no longer exist as an entity.
Still, big sis and I believe in Einstein’s Rule of Relativity, in that it cant be created nor destroyed, it can only be transferred. Maybe one day, Buddy and I will see each other in a different way. We don’t know what happens at the start of our life or what happens at the end, all we know is what happens from the start and before the end. We believe we actually are some sort of energy source that gets transferred, maybe to another body? After all, the brain is electrically driven, when it can’t produce its own energy, it stops with every other organ in the body.
Finally, “Goodnight Buddy, you did well. I hope I’ll see you again soon.”